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this will all make perfect sense someday.
worth the wait. ♥
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3rd-Jun-2012 03:05 am(no subject)
i sing for him.
ugh ugh ugh
i sing for him.
Let's pretend that I actually have someone. Let's pretend he's with me right now. And with all these tantrums I have, this riot of emotions inside of me that makes me cranky and ill-tempered, he's just here, holding me tight. Calming me down. Hugging me. Being silent because I'm too loud. Patiently waiting for me to let it all out.
He continues hugging me, until the warmth of him makes all these frustrations vanish. Until it makes me feel okay again. Until it makes me feel calm.
Until I realize that everything's quite okay because I have him.
But I don't so fuck you all I have tantrums I am frustrated and I hate myself and the world. I'm a failure.

See I'm here again, back in Livejournal because fuck I have nowhere to go.
Why don't you just jump off the balcony, Alyssa. Baka makalipad ka. Try mo lang.
7th-May-2012 01:08 am - NO CHOICE
i sing for him.
I have nowhere to go, that's why I'm back here. Just this time.

There is no beauty in emptiness. It's consuming, like a black hole (although I don't really know much about them black holes,) and you can't do anything about it but let it eat you in defeat. A huge hole where your beating heart used to be, it cannot be satisfied. All those hopeless longing and bullshit just can't be satisfied.

But it oddly makes you feel alive. I don't know how but it does and with someone who knows absolutely no shit about giving up like me, emptiness, no matter how consuming, is bearable... for now at least.

I don't know why but it is. I don't know how long I can bear it, though. What can I do about it anyway. Nothing.

Anyway I found this somewhere:

Three Simple Rules in Life
1. If you do not go for what you want, you'll never have it.
2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.
3. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.
Makes sense, huh.

Hehehe sabaw ampu I didn't make any sense. Maybe I should just reread my past rants and shit and let this whole blog slap me right on the face about how much of a pathetic person I am.

Or passionate, as a friend wants to put it.
29th-Mar-2012 02:43 am - Goodbye. =)
i sing for him.
After one whole year, I think I'm ready to do this. Finally.

I know I should be able to say something more because this is huge for me. But I guess I'm still tired for words, but I'll get to that. What matters now is that I'm genuinely okay, and ready to do this. Ready to fall in love with me first. Ready to focus on myself. Ready to work on myself, to be complete by myself. Willing to share myself to people again... to make friends, to believe in myself. I'm ready.

It feels so good. =)

Goodbye. If ever I get back to writing regularly again, it wouldn't be posted here anymore. I guess I'm leaving this account for good. Or I don't know, depends on how things go. But yeah. It's been a rough year of grief, or whatever, but I think it's done. I hope it is.

Over and out. Xx.
28th-Mar-2012 12:21 am - And I think I'm fine.
i sing for him.
I'm bad with dates.

When I was writing my memoir for my English class, which unintentionally revolved around Dee, I found out that the day we went to Manila together was April 6, not April 3. I was pretty sure that it was April 3, when a journal entry proved me wrong. Days ago I saw a post that our batch's graduation happened on the 25th of March, when I've been living the year believing that it happened on the 28th.

I remember the day we broke up because of how close it was to my graduation. I know it's two days after. I think. I know it's the 30th of March. But since I'm bad with dates, I don't know anymore. I honestly don't remember.

That's a good thing.

i sing for him.
Wala na bang makapapantay at di na ba dapat pang maghintay
Ako lang ba ang nagkasala?
Kumakapit sa natitirang sana.

Kung babalik ka pa hanggang kailan kaya?
Ako dito mag aabang na magdutong na ang patlang
Ang kulang ay mapupunan wala nang makakahadlang
Wala na yatang hihigit sa pangungulila ko
Iba na bang nagbibigay ng mga kailangan mo?
7th-Mar-2012 01:38 am(no subject)
i sing for him.
I dreamt of you awhile ago. You grew really fat and had a hump on your back. You looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame. You were with people both you and I know, I think you're in the middle of something with them, because you told me I'm distracting you. I hugged you anyway and wished you well. I wished you happiness, and told you that I'd love you always.
You were the hunchback of Notre Dame and I didn't care. I loved you anyway.
5th-Mar-2012 09:11 am - Embrace.
i sing for him.
I'd always come back to you once in awhile. I guess that's just how things work... and I'm completely okay with that.
27th-Feb-2012 01:27 am(no subject)
i sing for him.

Get this:
Unless you want me back,
Leave me alone.

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